We live in a world with an accelerated rhythm of communication, exuberant with information, flooding with all sorts of incidents. The collection of all this information has become our daily business, we cannot even prevent it. And we need to understand quickly because our response is expected. It has become like an Olympic discipline, the faster, the better. If I drive a car, how many traffic signs, signal lights, movement of other cars, road and weather conditions do I have to process in no time? In a group meeting, I have to be focused to quickly grasp the point of a statement to find out how I can best lead the conversation.

All these processes are based on my brain’s ability to link information that comes through my senses from the outside with already predefined meanings from within. Sometimes we hear people say while we tell an experience, “Oh, I know what you mean, the same thing happened to me…” and they hijack the conversation and stop listening to us to tell their own story. Sometimes we can say to another in one discussion and interrupt him in his argument: “But you are always acting this way!” These examples show how our accelerated and biased understanding can often lead to misunderstandings. We think we understood the other, but in truth we only perceived the triggers for a predefined meaning that was already within us.

When it comes to the framework of pastoral care or spiritual accompaniment, we must unlearn our way of communicating from everyday life. Here is the maxim, the more profound, the better. It is not about speed, but about giving space and time to the other, to express himself and his concern freely. From my side, I have to refrain from taking a meaning too quickly. Rather more I shall develop a real interest in the person, even curiosity for his unique way. In fact, understanding the whole of what someone else is trying to express really is an art. Because we need to realize that our backgrounds are fundamentally different. They have built up through all the experiences each has had in his life.

The method of Active Listening can be of great help to really understand the other person. It starts with full attention: I create a sheltered space to take time to be present with the other person, I minimize distractions and show through eye contact and body language that the person is important. I follow the words, but try to capture what is to be said beyond that. I do not interrupt the other, nor do I think about my answer or what help I can offer. Listening with all the attention and allowing the speaker to express himself fully, that’s what it’s all about.

A good way to increase the chances of really understanding is to ask back and reflect on what I understood. I can paraphrase or summarize what I have heard showing empathy. I can combine it with the invitation to explore more: “I heard you felt offended by the other’s behavior. What exactly triggered this feeling in the situation?”

Very importantly, I refrain from judging and giving advice. The heart of Active Listening is to make the other feel: “There is a space for me where I can share my truth without fear.” If I succeed in creating this safe space in which the speaker feels respected and heard, he can find a deeper understanding of himself. This can open up new perspectives and better solutions will come into view.

The philosopher Martin Buber emphasizes: “All life is encounter.” So it is worth opening doors and hearts, bringing time and patience for the encounter with the other, because life is there. You can learn to trust this creative process, even if there is a break, silence for a moment, perhaps uncertainty. These are the moments in which the Holy Spirit is at work. I can observe my own feelings and swing to the other to feel his. If I let myself be guided by God’s promise that he likes to be with the two of us, so that there are three of us, the encounter will be fruitful. It will lead to a new action, not because I gave the advice to do so, but because the person has found his own way through his experience of being accepted and being understood.

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Thomas Heck, SVD was born in Germany in 1967. He spent six years of mission outreach in the D.R. Congo, especially concentrated on Bibliodrama and Bibliologue, as well as being a facilitator Gestalt-therapist. For 12 years he was the chaplain of the Cursillo movement in the Archdiocese of Munich and Freising. From 2022 he is the spiritual director at Centro Ad Gentes in Nemi, Rome.